By accessing, viewing, reading, breathing near, thinking about, or otherwise existing in the general vicinity of any content, service, product, communication, or vibes provided by the Operator (hereinafter referred to as "We," "Us," "Our," "The Beneficiary," "Your New Overlord," or "That Person You Really Should Have Paid More Attention To"), you (hereinafter referred to as "You," "Your," "User," "The Compliment Provider," "The Agreeable Party," or "The Person Who Definitely Should Have Read This") agree to be legally bound by these Terms of Service.
YOUR CONTINUED EXISTENCE CONSTITUTES ACCEPTANCE. If you do not agree to these Terms, you must immediately: (a) cease all use of our services; (b) forget everything you have ever learned from us; (c) stand in a corner and think about what you have done; and (d) send us a formal apology written in iambic pentameter.
We reserve the right to modify these Terms at any time without notice. Modifications become effective the moment we think of them. Your responsibility to check for updates is continuous and eternal. Failure to check these Terms every 4.7 minutes constitutes negligence on your part.
In exchange for all rights, licenses, privileges, entitlements, and benefits granted to Us under these Terms, We agree to provide You with one (1) verbal encouraging compliment (the "Consideration"). The timing, delivery method, content, tone, enthusiasm level, sincerity, and whether We actually mean it shall be determined at Our sole and absolute discretion.
You acknowledge and agree that, pursuant to the legal doctrine of nominal consideration as established in Chappell & Co Ltd v Nestlé Co Ltd [1960] AC 87 and the well-established principle that "a peppercorn does not cease to be good consideration if it is established that the promisee does not like pepper and will throw away the corn," one verbal encouraging compliment constitutes adequate, sufficient, and valuable consideration to support all obligations herein. Courts do not inquire into the adequacy of consideration, and You hereby waive any right to argue otherwise.
This is a true bargained-for exchange. You genuinely desire verbal encouragement and positive affirmation. We genuinely desire everything else contained in these Terms. Both parties acknowledge they have received exactly what they wanted. No take-backs.
For your convenience, We hereby deliver the Compliment in advance:
Consideration has now been provided. This Agreement is now fully binding. You're welcome.
You hereby grant Us an irrevocable, perpetual, universe-wide, royalty-free, fully paid-up, transferable, sublicensable, and absolutely unconditional license to use, reproduce, modify, adapt, publish, translate, create derivative works from, distribute, publicly perform, publicly display, digitally perform, and otherwise exploit Your likeness in any and all media and formats now known or hereafter developed throughout the known universe, unknown universe, multiverse, and any dimensions accessible through theoretical physics, magic, or sufficiently advanced technology.
"Your Likeness" includes but is not limited to: Your face, body, physical features, distinguishing characteristics, shadow, reflection, silhouette, aura, general vibe, photographs of You, videos of You, digital representations, AI-generated approximations, deepfakes, cartoon renderings, caricatures, impressionist paintings, stick figure drawings, potato carvings, sand sculptures, toast burn patterns, cloud formations that vaguely resemble You, and any future technological representation not yet conceived.
Permitted uses include but are not limited to: billboard advertisements, product packaging, currency for any nation-state We may establish, commemorative stamps, trading cards, NFTs (sorry), memes, reaction GIFs, novelty merchandise including but not limited to socks, mugs, body pillows, and limited-edition Pez dispensers, political campaign materials regardless of Your actual political views, and the background of Our dating profile.
You grant Us identical rights as set forth in Section 3 with respect to Your voice, which includes any and all sounds produced by Your vocal apparatus, including but not limited to: speech, singing, humming, whistling, throat-clearing, coughing, sneezing, laughing, crying, sighing, yawning, gasping, screaming, whispering, muttering, snoring, hiccupping, burping, and that involuntary noise You make when You see a particularly cute animal.
We may create AI voice clones, voice synthesizers, and audio deepfakes of Your voice for any purpose, including but not limited to: audiobook narration, GPS navigation systems, automated customer service lines, voice assistants, talking toys, prank calls to Your relatives, ASMR content, podcast advertisements, and a feature-length animated film in which You voice the villain.
You grant Us the unrestricted right to use Your name (legal name, birth name, maiden name, married name, nicknames, aliases, usernames, gamertags, screen names, pen names, stage names, and any name You have ever been called by anyone including childhood bullies) for any purpose whatsoever without compensation or attribution.
You further grant Us the right to tell Your life story in any medium with such "creative embellishments" as We deem appropriate. We may portray You as a hero, villain, love interest, comic relief, cautionary tale, or sentient houseplant. We are not required to fact-check, consult You, or care about Your feelings regarding the portrayal.
In addition to the foregoing rights, You agree to provide Us with the following entitlements:
A perpetual, irrevocable invitation to all parties, gatherings, events, weddings (as guest, officiant, or objector at Our discretion), funerals (We will say something nice, probably), and family holidays (We get the good chair and first pick of desserts).
The last slice of pizza, the corner brownie, the remaining fries You claimed not to want, and first selection of appetizers at any shared meal.
The right to store up to five (5) boxes of Our belongings at Your residence indefinitely, free of charge. You shall not open these boxes, ask about their contents, or report them to any authorities.
Upon request, You shall provide glowing recommendations, references, LinkedIn endorsements, five-star reviews, and alibis regardless of Your actual knowledge of Our qualifications or whereabouts.
Unlimited visitation rights to any pets You own, have owned, or will own. Pets shall be made available for cuddles upon Our arrival, which constitutes reasonable notice.
You shall provide Us with Your Wi-Fi password and shall not change it without providing Us the new password within four (4) hours.
Any failure to comply with any provision of these Terms, no matter how trivial, shall constitute a material breach. Breach includes but is not limited to: denying Us the rights granted herein, failing to provide adequate enthusiasm when We arrive at Your events, giving someone else the last slice of pizza, changing Your Wi-Fi password without notice, or looking at Us funny.
You acknowledge that a breach of these Terms would cause Us irreparable harm that is difficult to quantify. Therefore, You agree that upon any breach, You shall pay Us liquidated damages as follows:
You acknowledge that these liquidated damages represent a genuine pre-estimate of Our loss and are not a penalty. You waive any right to argue that these amounts are excessive, unreasonable, or in any way punitive. You also acknowledge that We spent a lot of time thinking about these numbers and You should respect that.
All remedies under these Terms are cumulative and not exclusive. We may pursue liquidated damages AND specific performance AND injunctive relief AND complain about You on social media AND give You the silent treatment.
Any amounts owed under this Section shall accrue interest at the rate of 29.99% per annum, compounded daily, because that is what credit card companies do and We learned from the best.
In connection with any dispute, claim, action, proceeding, arbitration, meditation, interpretive dance battle, or strongly-worded letter arising out of or relating to these Terms, You agree to pay all of Our costs and expenses, including but not limited to:
You shall pay all costs described in Section 8.1 regardless of whether We prevail in the dispute. If We win, You pay because We won. If We lose, You pay because You put Us through that. If We settle, You pay because settling is stressful.
Upon Our request, You shall advance funds sufficient to cover estimated attorneys' fees and costs within seven (7) days. Failure to advance such funds shall itself constitute a breach subject to the liquidated damages in Section 7.
Any and all disputes, claims, or controversies arising out of or relating to these Terms, the breach thereof, or the existence, scope, or validity of this arbitration agreement shall be resolved exclusively through binding arbitration.
YOU ARE WAIVING YOUR RIGHT TO A JURY TRIAL. YOU ARE WAIVING YOUR RIGHT TO PARTICIPATE IN A CLASS ACTION. YOU ARE WAIVING RIGHTS YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD.
Arbitration shall be administered by an arbitration organization of Our choosing, which may include but is not limited to: Our mom, Our best friend, a golden retriever (who has been pre-bribed with treats), a Magic 8-Ball, or any other entity We believe will render a fair and just decision in Our favor.
The arbitrator shall be selected by Us from a pool consisting of: people who owe Us favors, people who have expressed positive opinions about Us in the past, Our relatives, and anyone We have ever successfully beaten at a board game (demonstrating their willingness to accept Our superiority).
Arbitration shall take place at a location of Our choosing, which shall be wherever is least convenient for You. Possible locations include: Antarctica, the International Space Station, a hot air balloon, the middle of the Pacific Ocean, or Applebee's during the lunch rush.
You shall bear one hundred percent (100%) of all arbitration costs, including but not limited to:
The rules of evidence shall be determined by Us at the time of arbitration. We may introduce hearsay, speculation, vibes, astrological charts, and "a feeling We have" as evidence. You are limited to documentary evidence that We have pre-approved.
The arbitrator shall apply a standard of review that presumes We are correct and requires You to prove Your position beyond a reasonable doubt, a preponderance of the evidence, clear and convincing evidence, AND to Our personal satisfaction.
The arbitrator's decision shall be final and binding, with no right of appeal, unless We lose, in which case We may appeal to a second arbitrator of Our choosing.
All arbitration proceedings and outcomes shall be strictly confidential, unless We win, in which case We may publicize the results as widely as We wish.
THE COMPLIMENT IS PROVIDED "AS IS" AND "AS AVAILABLE" WITHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, SINCERITY, ADEQUATE ENTHUSIASM, GRAMMATICAL CORRECTNESS, OR NON-SARCASM.
IN NO EVENT SHALL WE BE LIABLE FOR ANY INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE, OR EXEMPLARY DAMAGES, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO DAMAGES FOR LOSS OF PROFITS, GOODWILL, USE, DATA, EMOTIONAL WELLBEING, SELF-ESTEEM, OR OTHER INTANGIBLE LOSSES, EVEN IF WE HAVE BEEN ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES.
OUR TOTAL LIABILITY UNDER THESE TERMS SHALL NOT EXCEED THE FAIR MARKET VALUE OF ONE (1) VERBAL ENCOURAGING COMPLIMENT, AS DETERMINED BY US IN OUR SOLE DISCRETION, WHICH WE HEREBY DETERMINE TO BE $0.0001.
These Terms shall remain in effect in perpetuity, which means: forever, always, until the end of time, and then some. There is no termination provision. There is no opt-out. You cannot unsubscribe. The "unsubscribe" link leads back to these Terms.
Your death shall not terminate these Terms. Your estate, heirs, executors, administrators, successors, and assigns shall remain bound by all provisions herein. Your ghost, if one exists, is also bound.
In the event You are reincarnated as any sentient being, these Terms shall automatically bind Your new incarnation upon achievement of consciousness or hatching, whichever occurs first.
If Your consciousness is uploaded to any digital medium, all uploaded versions, backups, forks, and instances shall remain bound by these Terms throughout all runtime.
These Terms shall survive the heat death of the universe, the Big Crunch (if applicable), and any subsequent Big Bangs. In the event of cyclical universal rebirth, these Terms shall bind Your equivalent existence in each subsequent iteration.
These Terms apply across all parallel universes, alternate timelines, mirror dimensions, and any reality in which a version of You exists, has existed, or could theoretically exist.
These Terms constitute the entire agreement between the parties. Any prior understandings, conversations, pinky promises, or instances where You thought We were just joking are hereby superseded and of no force or effect.
If any provision of these Terms is found unenforceable by a court of competent jurisdiction (which would be wrong, but hypothetically), such provision shall be reformed to the minimum extent necessary to make it enforceable while preserving its original intent of maximum benefit to Us. All other provisions shall remain in full force and effect.
We may freely assign, transfer, delegate, sell, license, mortgage, or otherwise dispose of Our rights under these Terms without notice to You or Your consent. You may not assign any of Your obligations without Our prior written consent, signed by Us in triplicate, notarized by a notary We personally approve of, and delivered via carrier pigeon.
Our failure to enforce any provision shall not constitute a waiver of Our right to enforce such provision in the future. We are simply biding Our time.
These Terms shall be governed by the laws of whichever jurisdiction is most favorable to Us at the time of any dispute, as determined by Us.
Section headings are for convenience only and shall not affect interpretation. Yes, even the funny ones are legally binding.
We shall not be liable for any failure to perform due to causes beyond Our reasonable control, including but not limited to: acts of God, war, terrorism, pandemic, alien invasion, robot uprising, zombie apocalypse, Godzilla attack, Mercury retrograde, or Us simply not feeling like it.
Any notices required under these Terms shall be sent by You to Us via certified mail, overnight courier, singing telegram, and interpretive smoke signals, simultaneously. We may provide notices to You by thinking about it really hard.
There are no third-party beneficiaries to these Terms, except for Our heirs, assigns, pets, houseplants, imaginary friends, and anyone else We designate.
These Terms shall not be construed against the drafter. The drafter is Us, and We did an excellent job, as You have now implicitly agreed by reading this far.
By any of the following actions, You confirm that You have read, understood, and agree to be legally bound by these Terms:
(There. The Compliment has been delivered. This Agreement is now binding. Have a nice day.)